I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
