My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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