Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
