apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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