you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
