This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
