This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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