I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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