Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
