Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
