those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
The dick lei will go down in squad history