i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
