mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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