I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
