does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
