If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Randomize
