i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
