the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
