Duck Duck Cougar?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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