fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
