sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
We were destined to go to rehab together
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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