she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
