you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
