dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Are we still banned from the library?
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
