she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
