If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So many bounce houses so little time
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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