I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
