I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
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I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
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Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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