You don't have asthma, your pregnant
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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