you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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