I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
