8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
