She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
