apparently the secret to your success is patron
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
