you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
