I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize