Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
My ATM looks so different sober.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
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