i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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