Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
