I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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