Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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