if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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