you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
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Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
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hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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