I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
