She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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