do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize