did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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