just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
