Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I need a beard to bite.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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