he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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