conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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