Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
