I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
