i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
